


Dysmorphia

by Slugzillla



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Agender Character, Body Dysphoria, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Things will be updated as they apply, Trans Character, Trans Scout, agender pyro
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 23:50:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8598751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slugzillla/pseuds/Slugzillla
Summary: Being transgender in the 1970's isn't an easy feat, especially not for a young, scrappy mercenary from Boston raised in a house with 7 very close minded brothers. Especially not for a young man who doesn't even know that what he is is "transgender".  By some stroke of luck Scout had secured his job without being outed. With his identity secured, the team and Administration treat him like the man he knows he is. Unfortunately, with the reckless behavior of his teammates, Scout might have no choice but to confront his anxieties and reveal himself to everyone. What will this mean for Scout and his relationship with his team? What will this mean for the security of his job and better yet, his life? Will he learn to come to terms with who he is as a person, or, continue feeling the need to hide himself from the world around him?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings; Anxiety and Dysphoria

  Sprawled out on his almost-too-firm twin sized bed, Scout wavered in and out of sleep. It was early, too early, and he was only ever restless like this when he knew the day would bring something troubling. He'd long ago shed his moth bitten blanket and stared thoughtlessly at the slow, lazy spin of his ceiling fan (one that provided little more than a warm breeze in this desert heat) with contempt. He felt sick, discomfort spreading through him as he noticed the cold sweat that sandwiched itself between every nook and cranny on his body.

  Raising a clammy, freckled hand Scout slipped it up his half buttoned Red Sox jersey, hesitating as he felt the soft breast tissue that protruded from his chest. The disgusting reminder brought him fully into the waking world and he sat up, throwing his slim legs over the edge of the bed with a tired sigh. His left leg twitched, slowly evolving into a nervous bounce as he tried to think about what to do. What time was it anyway? Four, five in the morning? He only had a few hours before the day began and the thought made him shake a little bit.

  Maybe it wasn't that big of a deal, yeah? So what if Soldier had destroyed the only shower in the communal bathroom that actually had a curtain? So what if no one understood why Scout freaked out, maybe he was just overreacting and being forcefully outed to his entire team wouldn't even be that bad.

  Ha, what a funny joke.

  Scout rubbed his face with his hands, dreading the impending doom that was descending upon him as each minute passed. It was a big deal, it was a huge deal, he was going to get the shit kicked out of him and get fired and lose his job and he wouldn't be able to go home and face all of his brothers who didn't even know what he'd done with himself and- and-

  He didn't even realize he was crying until warm tears fell into his hands and he immediately scowled, roughly wiping them away in vain. He hated this, he hated crying, he hated being the way he was -- he didn't even know what to call it. And now everything he worked so hard to hide was going to be revealed because of a fucking shower curtain and a dirty communal bathroom.

  It was hard enough as is, being surrounded by eight other men who had everything he didn't. He'd seen a private doctor a few years back and had started what he was told was "hormone replacement therapy", a shot every couple of weeks and he'd look like the man he knew he was supposed to be. But when your dad was a shitty hit-and-run kind of guy, it was hard to know what the outcome would be. He got hairy, but not by much, and though his hips had smoothed out he was lithe and skinny and had the voice of a pubescent twelve year old that he loathed. He didn't even want to think about his chest, though a few years of treatment and binding had lessened their size, his breasts were undoubtedly there. Every time he stepped into that god forsaken shower room he was greeted with muscles and body hair and irrefutable manliness that practically smothered him.

  Scout stood unsteadily, staggering over to his mirror as dark static erupted behind his eyes and made him momentarily dizzy. Once his vision cleared he saw himself and had to avert his tired gaze, looking at his own crying face only made him feel worse. By some sort of dumb luck he'd managed this far without consequence; Medic wasn't able to catch him for a physical and he'd used one of his brothers birth certificates to secure this job without issue. He was able to avoid any situation that would lead someone to finding out, and this one shower with the only curtain had been one of his few crutches.

  "God, man, buck up and stop cryin' for once.." he mumbled, bitterness welling up inside him as he pulled at his short hair anxiously.

  He had to do something, but what? He had no excuse, everyone called him a baby for "being too chicken to shower like a man" and Administration wasn't in any hurry to make privacy accommodations for anyone but Spy. Not to mention if they find out he'd lied to them he'd be booted on spot and sent back to Boston, or worse, brought to the middle of the desert and put out of his misery. No one knew and just thinking about exposing himself was terrifying. Not even his best friend on base knew, he was too afraid of what would happen...Even if he'd be accepted they'd surely treat him differently..like he was fragile or delicate, like he was a _girl_...

  After processing his own swarming thoughts Scout realized something he'd barely taken into consideration before, Pyro, his best friend, never showered with the team. At least, not that he'd noticed in the past two years. He needed to ask them, even if he knew it'd seem suspicious. If Scout was honest with himself, there was no way Pyro wouldn't support him, right? They'd opened up to him about a lot, and even if he didn't know what lied underneath that rubbery suit he knew Pyro felt like neither a boy or a girl, but rather a whole other identity itself. At first that confused him, yeah, but who was he to deny the one person on base that appreciated him? He'd easily learned to understand and he was almost sure Pyro would return the favor.

  Still, though, the thoughts nagged at him, festering in his mind like a parasite embedded deep within the folds of his psyche. He could never be sure, he always doubted himself and as hard as he tried to feign confidence out on the field he felt small, weak. He felt like he was alone. Even with Pyro by his side, even when he ate dinner with the whole team around him, he felt like he was left with only his own thoughts and insecurities.

  His hands shook as he took a deep breath, attempting to distract himself while he waited for the next few hours to pass.

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter turned out short and I'm not too solid on the actual plan and layout for this story, but I started this to vent in a creative way that maybe some of you guys can enjoy or relate too! Future chapters should be longer. If you have any suggestions I would really appreciate the feedback, and thank you for reading!!


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